Mommy

It's been two years this week since our dear friends lost their firstborn son the day they were expecting to deliver him. Brave is still very alive in our hearts and we long for the day on the other side of this life where we will meet him face to face.

"Mommy!"
"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy..."

"MMMMOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY!"

I hear it every day. So many times every day.

I've been guilty of declaring, "that's not my name today," eager to hide from the little voices behind the needs that will distract me from my conversation, my tasks.

And yet, she longs for it. For the distractions. For the little voice.
It would be a welcomed and coveted beautiful sound in her ear.

To hear her baby's cry, as she feels her body preparing to nourish him and realizes her clothes are soaked and will need to be changed before she runs errands later.

To hear her toddler's sweet, squeaky voice call out for her,
tearing her away from whatever less important task she was accomplishing.

To hear her preschooler ask for help spelling his well-fitting name. 

These are sounds I hear every day.
These are the sounds I take for granted every day.

Lord, I'm sorry.
Friend, I'm sorry.

Two years. Two years without her firstborn.
My heart still wrenches for her when I think of how Brave she's had to be.

My children. Healthy. Here. Needy of my attention and love.
Everything else pales in comparison. Really.





Andrew & Christy have displayed incredible bravery as they have grieved these last two years. For more information on their journey, you can visit them here or here.

Day 1: Your View Today

 

Okay, so this is technically four pictures. Overachiever. But as I think of my view today, this is pretty telltale. Sweet Caroline hanging out in her swing (when she's not nursing, being held, getting changed, getting bathed, getting tummy time, getting burped, spitting up all over me, napping, etc.) 

This morning I took these pics with my iPhone as Ella and Allie played blocks and Brandon was at a meeting.

Which leads me to admit that I'm completely spoiled. There, I said it. 

I'm spoiled in a lot of ways, but one I'd like to touch on right now is the fact that my husband gives me until 10am almost every morning to spend by myself with the Lord. He usually wakes up early, gets his own time with the Lord in before the girls wake up, and then engages them while making breakfast. He then brings me coffee and breakfast in bed and closes the door so I don't get distracted.

Why does he do this? Because about 6 months ago when we moved to Charlotte, the Lord told him to make room for me to have uninterrupted time with Him. And he's doing his best to obey. Hallelujer!

As a mom to (then) two little girls, preggo w/#3, trying to keep my house in Greenville spotless for possible showings, researching where to move to in Charlotte, and helping plant RWOC Charlotte, I was taking on a lot of responsibility and not doing so great at keeping my #1 priority #1. So I guess God missed me and told Brandon to give me some space. 

Thankfully, it didn't take long to remember that I do, in fact, love Jesus...a LOT!

So to tie all this rambling back to my picture...I was up with Caroline, Allie, and Ella this morning early while Brandon was meeting with a couple of guys for breakfast. And this was the picture I shot during my early morning time with my girls.

Sweet Caroline

I'm a little embarrassed that it's taken me so long to post a blog about Caroline!

She's here. She's healthy. She's beautiful. We are so very blessed.

Here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Caroline Sophia Berry

December 20, 2012

7lbs, 9oz. , 20 in.

 Sweet girl

 With Nissi

 And Papa John

 Already making faces for Papaw...

 Ella's ready for more big sister duties.

 Allie's not so sure...

 Daddy's really got his hands full now...3 girls!

 Always thoughtful Pappy came with gifts after watching big sisters all day.

 John John, Aunt Pepper, and Chancakes

 Some church friends...I wish I would've had a recording devise to capture the 1000 questions that cutie in purple asked me in the span of 20 minutes! So funny!

 The Smiths were in Charlotte from Greenville for the day and dropped by.

 Going home. Although I begged the hospital staff to let me stay another week or so! Round the clock help and room service...but alas, they kicked us out after 2 nights. We're on our own now.

 Sweet cheeks.

 Everyone loved Caroline's little hat. She'll grow into it soon, I'm sure!

 Daddy chest picture. Classic.

She's been such a huge blessing to our family. She fits right in and is so, so, so easy! Thank you, Lord!

From Don Juan to Stan the Man Van

When we bought our 2006 Nissan Pathfinder, we were on a hunt. We had just recently purchased the bigger, nicer, swankier Armada, but it was too good to be true. After less than 2 weeks, we found out that it was leaking oil and was going to cost $10k to replace the engine. And that, my friends, was not going to happen. We felt pretty frustrated at the whole ordeal, to say things like a pastor's wife should say them...

The Armada was fully loaded. Nav system, DVD system, heated leather seats, sunroof...you name it, it had it. But that engine issue...well, we just couldn't get over it for some reason. ;)  All the bells and whistles that the Armada boasted paled in comparison to the fact that the engine didn't work properly. Here would be a great opportunity to write about some deep spiritual metaphor pertaining to this reality. But I'm not feeling deep right now, so I'm gonna hold on to that for later. 

So when we went looking to trade in the Armada (we didn't want to sell it outright and give someone else our huge headache), we were looking only a few things:
1) It had to be certified. 
2) It had to have a warranty in case anything happened later. 
3) It had to have three rows of seats because we were picking up and dropping off a lot of teenagers for church those days.

And we found a great deal just outside Atlanta. We disclosed the engine problem, but since we were at a Nissan dealership, it was a lot less burdensome for them to fix it as a trade in than it would have been for us to get it fixed. It was the end of the month, and they needed to reach quota, so we were able to negotiate a pretty sweet deal, and get a certified Pathfinder with 30k less miles, and a warranty for our Armada. The Pathfinder didn't have a bell or a whistle. But neither of us cared. It had what we needed. We affectionately named him Don Juan the Nissan, and ol' Don Juan proved to be a wonderful addition to our family.

But loading both girls in Don Juan soon proved to take an effort. Among the missing bells were running boards that would help us step up and lift the girls into their car seats. When they got older, they were unable to reach the door handle on their own because it was located halfway up the window. So we began making Ella put her hand on the tire while we opened the door, strapped Allie in, and then walked around to get Ella situated.

This was pretty stressful for me because at such young ages, the kids aren't 100% great at obeying, and I was always keeping my eyes peeled for Ella to take her hand off the tire and run into a parking lot. I was like the "hand on the tire" Nazi, spitting threats through clinched teeth as I strapped her squirming sister into the car seat at lightning fast speed.

As they've grown, they could (barely) climb into the car themselves after I opened their doors, but the backseat was so small that they couldn't climb across easily from one side to the other, and that necessitated me to have to open each door. As my pregnancy progressed, the thought of picking them up to put them in faster makes me want to tear my hair out.

Plus, since both of them are on the small side, they are both in 5 point harness car seats. And we were wondering how in the world we were going to fit three across the backseat. Or, if we could put Ella in the 'way back', we couldn't figure out how to get HER back there and strapped in safely. Seemed like a big pain in the butt, and I was imagining that after Caroline came, I'd be stuck in the house FOR.EV.ERRRRRR! Or at least until they got their own driver's licenses.

So we began facing our fears head on. The fear was that we were going to have to move from "cool SUV driving parents" to "not so cool but practical minivan driving parents."My friend, Jodie, had once declared any minivan to be a "mommy mobile with no sex appeal." And for some reason, I believed her, although most families who drive minivans have multiple children, so I guess sex appeal doesn't completely dissolve. I mean, we do know how those babies are made, right?

And, with less than a month before Caroline was set to be on the Berry scene, we decided to get serious about this switcheroo. We scoured Craigslist, visited some dealerships, and came up with Stan.

Stan the Man Van, that is.

Actually, Brandon spearheaded the effort. He found Stan on Craigslist, he took Don Juan down to the dealership in Lancaster, SC, and he negotiated the deal. Then he bought a red bow and surprised me!

I never EVER thought that I would be THIS excited about having to drive a minivan. Minivans scream, "MOMMY!", and I hear that word enough during the day as it is. But Stan is so suave, so plush, so cozy, so spacious. Stan the Man opens the doors for the ladies. Literally. At the touch of a button on my key chain, Stan's doors open automatically, allowing my 4 and 2 year old treasures to climb in to safety without much effort at all. And now that treasure #3 is here, and I'm lugging that huge baby carrier around (why can't they figure out how to make safe and light baby carriers, by the way?), Stan's debonair ways are even more appreciated.

I love how much space Stan affords our family. The girls no longer have to keep their legs bent so as to not touch the seats in front of them. I no longer have dashboard stuck in my teeth every time we go on a road trip. We stored so much stuff in Stan on our first trip to Greenville, someone would have thought we were moving back.

Love it, love it, love it.

So for all you haters out there, I'm telling you something. I'm a convert. Stan the Man Van has my heart.

Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner

But we sure as heck are about to put her in the closet.

Yep. You read that correctly.

You see, we recently moved to Charlotte, and have been renting a nice home in a nice neighborhood. There are three bedrooms...one for us, one for E & A who have shared a room since Allie was 2 months old, and one for our guests. We thought about turning the guest room into the nursery, but a few things stopped us:

1) We have overnight guests ALL THE TIME. I think out of the three months we've lived here, we've been home 6 weekends all together. And of those 6 weekends, we've had overnight guests 4 weekends. So that leaves a big, whopping 2 weekends that we've not had overnight guests. And that doesn't even take into account the overnight guests we've had during the weekdays. Hotel Berry. We like having guests and know that we have been blessed to be a blessing, so offering our home for friends, family and launch team members who are looking to move to Charlotte isn't a big deal for us. We know as we get closer to the launch and even into the new year, we should expect to have that room occupied with people from out of town. And that's cool.

But we couldn't imagine having to deal with the awkwardness of rearranging a guest room, incorporating a crib, changing table, and baby decor, and making our guests feel like they are intruding on baby's normal routine when they are visiting. Nope. Strike One.

2) It's expensive to make a nursery.  As mentioned before, it would take a lot of planning (and money) to bring our existing guest room decor and baby decor into agreement. In fact, it just wouldn't jive, so either we'd have to switch out the bedding for the baby or the bedding for the guest bed, or both. Or just live with clashing decor. No thank you. Strike Two.

Well, in this game, two strikes is enough. It's kind of like the opposite of T-ball where the players get unlimited attempts to hit the ball. We play hardball around here, yo.

So, looking around for other options, we had two options left. Put baby's crib in our bedroom or put baby's crib in our enormous walk-in closet.

At first we were gonna go with the bedroom. It's a rather large room, and even with a king sized bed and furniture, we could make it work without cramping us too much. But then we would run into the whole "how do we meld these two decor styles together" question again. We looked again at the closet. It has a vent and, again, it's huge. And the fact that we don't have very many clothes (certainly not enough to fill it) made this option a bit brighter.

Here would be an awesome opportunity to put a picture of the "Before" closet. Alas, I suck at thinking ahead these days and we got to work before I remembered to snap a pic. Boo me.

We took out the shelving on the back wall and on the right side, and consolidated all of our clothes to the front left part of the closet. 

Then we set up the crib on the back wall. This is a in-progress shot. I just put a rug down and a crib sheet on but don't have the skirt, or any decor yet. But you see how big this is? That is a BIG crib in there, people.

So next up is to think of some creative and renter-friendly way of decorating the wall. I'm thinking vinyl wall decals that stick and unstick easily. Also, I would really love to switch out the fluorescent tube light for a dainty chandelier...but that is going to have to be up to the owners, I think.

At first I was a bit hesitant to consider putting baby in the closet, but a few things really changed my mind:

1) Baby doesn't care. She's not going to even know the difference. I came to grips with the fact that most of the time when people spend crazy amounts of money and time on a baby nursery, it's not even really for the baby. It's for them. Not that it's some horrible thing to want to design a beautiful nursery. I remember when Ella was about to be born, setting up the nursery really helped me see the reality of the whole thing. There really is going to be a little person in here one day. But Ella could have cared less what fabric I picked out or the fact that I had her bumpers, crib sheets, Roman shade and diaper holder custom made, or how everything coordinated perfectly. All she cared about was being loved, well fed, and clean. Same with Allie.  Neither cared that their room was the second largest in the house, and neither even really used it except to sleep and be changed until they were older. By the time Caroline is old enough to know she sleeps in a closet, we will most likely be in a new house and she'll have a room (maybe).

2) It's close to us, but not too close.  We have to go through our master bathroom to get to the closet. And there are two doors that we can close if needed. This is a better option in our opinion than having her in a crib in our room because it does give us a little bit of privacy when we really need it. After she starts sleeping through the night, we will most likely want to have some semblance of rest and retreat sans baby in our bedroom.

3) It offers a separate, quiet spot for her to rest. Said another way, her sisters won't be all up in her grill all the time. And they won't have to tiptoe around because when she's asleep in her crib, she won't be able to hear them anyway unless they are playing in our bathroom (which has been known to happen at times--little girls LOVE to get into Mommy's lotions, makeup and hair stuff).

4) It's a great use of a space that would normally become a dumping grounds for junk. I really wish I had the "Before" picture of the closet. Because "Before" for us really meant "before I unpacked everything". We had lots of boxes and baskets of unorganized clothes that easily could have stayed put for months if I had not had the motivation of "let's transform this into a nursery". So, it forced us to purge some clothes and shoes, organize the others into seasons, and store the unused seasonal clothing elsewhere. When we go into the closet now, we are more likely to put things where they belong instead of just being lazy and dropping them on the floor (gasp...yes, we did that from time to time!)

5) It forces me to keep things simple. Between parenting 2 other angels, being a wife, and starting a church, I have a lot on my plate. And the fact that I love to be creative can actually work against me when thinking of designing a nursery..."Oooh, I saw this on Pinterest, I could do that!" thought a hundred times could really add up in time and money! Yes, I'd like to still make it special, but the fact that there isn't a ton of space will help me stay reigned in a little bit (I hope).

And yes, for those of you who are concerned about stuffiness, there is a vent in the closet that allows air to circulate, and we'll probably put a small fan in there for white noise/air circulation as well.

So that's where Lil' Miss Caroline will be spending her first few months (or until we move). And guests, we welcome you to Hotel Berry!

Do you have any ideas that you'd like to share on how we can make the closet nursery a sweet little spot? Please share in the comment section!

Roller Coaster Mother's Day

The roller coaster ride has begun this May. At one point, I knew that I would probably take this ride, but somehow I must have forgot...until I found myself buckled in, holding the bar in front of me and holding my breath. Ready for the ups and downs of impending Mother's Day.

The ups are obvious. I have been ridiculously blessed to be Ella and Allie's mommy. I have found that this year, especially, has brought me incredible joy as Allie has become more independent and communicative. Life is just a little easier when your baby can tell you what she needs or wants. And now that she has that ability, she's definitely not shy. At all. Her favorite requests are "Mommy, I wanna go Chick-A-Lay", and "My daddy, my daddy, my daddy!!!!" The burden of constant need for a protective eye on her has been lessened by her sweet, sweet spirit and tender touch, the depth of those dark brown eyes calling me in to get lost in love with my daughter.

Ella's preciousness is immeasurable. Her predictability, priceless. I love my creature of habit. I love her need for snuggles, hugs, and kisses from her family. I love her elephant-rivaling memory...how she'll recall something I have totally forgotten, a rare and precious memory that brings a smile to my face.

Yes, being a Mommy on Mother's Day is a nice thing. It's great to get hugs and kisses and homemade cards and gifts from my little artists, and thank you's that are really not even needed because I would gladly do this job a thousands times over without any repayment.

So the roller coaster ride is cresting the top, and life is good. God's there. Cheering me on. Reassuring me that my efforts are not in vain, that He's proud of me, that my girls are in His hands.

And as I find myself at the climax of life, giving God praise and honor for the view up here, the cars suddenly obey gravity and come shooting down the track.

In all my 32 years past, I've always enjoyed honoring my own mom with love, hugs, kisses, and gifts. Homemade crafts that are still stashed away in special memory boxes she kept. Cards and letters that I had thoughtfully written over the years to express my thankfulness, my love, my respect for who she was and what she did for me.


And this year, she's not here to smile that big smile as I present her with those things. It's been 8 months since I've seen that smile, or heard her voice or felt her motherly loving touch. I've missed the advice that only a maternal grandmother can give a new mommy who doesn't know what to do with a two year old and a three year old. Who needs a safe place to share her insecurities about being a pastor's wife and journeying on new adventures like I am during this season of my life.

The roller coaster car is plummeting down, down, down, and yet...God is there. Comforting me, collecting my tears, and cheering me on. Reassuring me that my efforts as a daughter were not in vain. Telling me He's proud of me at how I've pressed into Him during this time of grieving and that my mommy is in His hands.

The thing about a roller coaster is that usually there's one big up and one big down, then lots of twists and turns...things that don't make your stomach drop quite as much and leave you with an overall pleasant experience (if you like roller coasters, that is).

The rest of the small ups and downs include:

Rejoicing with my sister-in-law as she celebrates her first Mother's Day with an actual baby in her arms. After years of battling infertility and many Mother's Days spent sitting in church with hot tears probably rolling down her cheeks as the pastor asked mothers to stand and be honored, wondering if she would ever get a chance to have that wonderful experience, my nephew, Channing, is an Ephesians 3:20 kind of blessing (more that she could ask or think of!) He's charming and adorable and chunky-licious and has a twinkle in his bright blue eyes that tells of the brilliance going on in his brain. God's got such great plans for that little boy, and I know that He's using Pepper mightily to form Channing's worldview in a radically different way than she was taught growing up.

A little climb...

Missing my grandmother who lives far away and wishing that life were not so crazy right now so I could spend time by her side enjoying her company and watching her as she basks in the glory of her great grands...

A slight descent...

Thoughts of miscarried babies who are now in the arms of Jesus, their Grammy by their side...

Twists and turns...

Excitement at the thought of the future baby Berrys God will one day add to our family, in His perfect timing...

With each hill and valley, twist and turn, God reaches out, steadying me and reminding me that I'm securely fastened in His love. He is here this Mother's Day, riding this roller coaster right next to me. And eventually, Mother's Day will have come and gone. I will have exited this roller coaster for this season, and more than likely, will have a fond overview of my experience.

Allie's Two!

My baby is not a baby anymore. Sniff, sniff. How did this happen? One day she's all squished and squirmy and has no control of her own body, and then she's...well, she's this:

 

Beautiful and silly and very mischievous at times. A big girl indeed. 

These last few months have been nothing if not crazy in terms of schedule and house keeping responsibilities. Most of that is because we are getting ready to move to Charlotte and start a new campus of our church there, so we're trying to sell this house and find a new one. Lots of travel, lots of cleaning. And Allie isn't exactly great a the tidiness thing yet. 

So when we began thinking of Allie's birthday, inviting 10 little kids to our house for cake, ice cream, juice and various sugary and staining items, didn't sound so fun or helpful to the "let's-keep-this-house-spic-and-span-for-prospective-buyers" cause. We decided that two is the perfect age to do something a little lower key. 

One is a big birthday, if not for the kid, but for the parents. It's a time to step back and say, "I kept this kid alive a whole year." There's great social pressure to do a 1 year old birthday party, a smash cake, the whole nine yards. 

The three year old birthday is a pretty big one, we've found, because the kid actually has an opinion of what she wants. Ella was slightly completely obsessed with Dora the Explorer when her third birthday came around. And so the theme of her birthday was really a no-brainer. She cared about who came (and who didn't) and still remembers most of the day.

But two? Well, two is what I've affectionately named "the year of the breather" because a two year old rarely has a specific list of birthday party guests, themes, and menus that she desires. And, a two year old will probably not remember her birthday party (or lack thereof). Granted, this term, "the year of the breather" is only appropriate when put in the birthday party context.  Certainly it does not belong within any other conversation revolving around a two year old. 

And that being said, I thought about what our two year old likes the most. And I came up with Family, Fun, and Food. Not necessarily in that order all the time. In fact, as I mentioned in this post, Allie likes eating more than most people 16x their age (me, at 32--yes, I just revealed my age, gasp)! And since we are trying to get the girls excited about moving to a new city soon, we decided that celebrating her birthday in Charlotte would be really fun. So we invited John-John, Pepper, Channing and Mama Nissi and Papa John to meet us at Monkey Joe's, and indoor bounce park, in a part of the city near where we are thinking of planting the church and living. (Pappy was out of town and couldn't make it, but he was invited, of course.)

 

Everyone had a lot of fun (including the adults). But maybe no one more than the birthday girl. Bouncing is her thing.

After we bounced ourselves silly, Brandon and I had the opportunity to take the family to two possible church locations that we are considering. It was great to get their feedback, and by the end of the tour, we were all pretty set that one is going to be better suited for RWOC Charlotte than the other.

Next we went to a local restaurant, but there was a long wait. No problem. We Berrys are resourceful. We transformed John and Pepper's Subaru into Party Central, brought out the gifts and cupcakes (who doesn't like to eat dessert first?) and kept everyone entertained as we sang "Happy Birthday", laughed and talked in the beautiful weather until the dinner bell rang buzzer buzzed calling us inside to dinner.

 Allie received some fun new toys, books and clothes, though she was painstakingly slow to open each one. At some point Big Sister couldn't take the suspense any more and had to "help" Allie tear into them a little faster.

So my baby is growing up. She's doing two-year-old things like tantrums and potty training. She's talking in full sentences now and loves to carry on conversations with anyone or no one at all. And I'm enjoying every minute of it. What a sweet blessing Allie is in our lives. We are so thankful to the Lord that He has entrusted her to us. 

Happy Birthday, Allie!

Into Everything Allie

 There's a book called Oh, David! that I read to Allie often, changing the main character from David to Allie. It goes like this:

"Allie's mommy always says, 'Oh, Allie!' (Picture of baby with entire roll of toilet paper unfurled on bathroom floor).

'Open up, Allie.' (Picture of baby refusing to eat-though Allie eats everything she can get her hands on most of the time.) 'P.U!' (Picture of a satisfied looking baby with a full diaper). ' Hold still, Allie!' (Picture of Mama trying to diaper a super wiggling child.) 'Go night, night, Allie.' (Picture of baby standing in crib.) 'Oh Allie, I love you.' (Picture of baby on Mama's lap reading a book)."

This book goes along with some of the things I love about our second born:

• She loves to explore her world, and isn't afraid to rock the boat, make a mess, etc...when she's caught she always has a coy little smile on her face like, "whaaaaaat? You're mad at me? Have you noticed how absolutely cute I am?'

• Her love for food rivals my own. We have neighbors who laugh because every time Allie comes over to their house, she always beelines it to their pantry, which is stocked with all sorts of yummy food. Though she eats like ravenous wolf, she stays petite, which may be a great thing if her metabolism stays like that when she's older. 

• She's as strong-willed as her Daddy, and she knows what she wants. Whether it's her 'bippy' (pacifier), 'ba ba' (milk) or just a good hug, she is really good at persistently reminding us that her desires are not being presently met. I think that if we hone this attribute in, it will work for her in the future as she advances the Kingdom of God!

•  Her laugh is amazing, and I try to do whatever I have to hear it everyday! She often laughs as she tries to get away from me on the changing table!

• She's a great sleeper and I have never really had a problem with putting her down to sleep for naps or nighttime. She loves routine, but is also flexible when our schedules dictate 

• She's a little lover. A hug from Allie Berry will make anyone's day, and she gives them out liberally. I love how fiercely affectionate this little girl is!

What a precious child of God and gift to our family!

Princess Ella

 Next up in my love story is our firstborn, Ella. She is definitely a princess at heart and has grown up so quickly!

• I love Ella's heart for the Lord already. She loves to pray and read her Bible, and has a knack for remembering the stories in it. She often tells me that she sees angels flying by our car or in her room at night, and I totally believe her. 

• She is an awesome snuggle bug. Every morning she loves to climb in our bed and get some snuggles before we start our day. Her favorite way to snuggle when Mom and Dad are busy is in her skivvies with a warm blanket and her new kitten, as seen here.

• • She is a builder and an organizer. It is not rare for us to come into her room and see that she has organized all of her shoes, books, toys, etc...
  
  
  • She is a great big sister and friend to many. She loves to remind people that "Berrys share" (a motto we have tried to drill into her brain instill in her. Her naivete in playgroups is precious and allows her to be nice to everyone.
• She loves to dress up. Everyday. Without fail. She will have on some sort of princess dress and accessory on for some period of time. Guaranteed. Her preference these days is the Rapunzel dress her grandparents gave her for Christmas.

What an awesome firstborn I have! I can't wait to see what the Lord does in and through her life!

We've Been Working On This...

Precious Pics